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Monday, January 11th, 2010
11:47 am
It is amusing how badly people change their actions so as to not appear predictable, but in doing so are entirely predictable. How the sayings and expressions reveal so much from so little simply because of the repetition of the event. I either undertand too much or way too little, I am inclined to think the latter.

But I am comfortable with that!

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Monday, January 4th, 2010
4:49 pm - laughing with
Laughing with the repetition of life. laughing with how i used to think about how it would go. Laughing at seeing the same thing and it having a very very different effect.
I want to eat it all and share it all even if it drives everything out and away!

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Friday, October 16th, 2009
12:02 am - Conflicted in these chains with the impetus of age
It has been a bit again.


   I felt goodwhen i was out there.
I may not want to see it all. Should i be so surprised? How can I be unlike everyone else if i refuse to see I am susceptible to the same misunderstandings? I look at the things I consider to be opportunities while i Ignore the obvious paths. thats right, I feel like I am ignoring multiple paths which could bring me so many more new experiences and options.
I am made of the same things.
Perception does does not remove the threat.
I will always have a million things that want me to stay. A million vines wrapping through the fingers.
Digging in a sandbox looking for undiscovered worlds.
I need to  be less fearful.

Species.
how far could you stray
longer in the mind than the genetics.
What a fool I can be.

current mood: awake

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Saturday, August 8th, 2009
1:07 pm - ok
7 Too many trains of thought.
back and forth unlimited oscillations and release points.
reinfluenced by the initial influence, because of my situation my situation is changed.
more abstract bullshit.
I think that I am sure that I am entirely lost in terms of plan. explosive forces all around.
stay go both.
rampant excavation.
And more.

and even my options dont fully exist...

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Wednesday, August 5th, 2009
5:05 pm - I have
I have made a mistake... better put, a bad decision.  And could have stopped it, i had the chance. I take full responsibility.  Anyway, there was a good chance i could have ignored it, gotten off with no ill effects, and most of the advice told me to do this. But instead, i came completely clean. I laid it all out to all involved parties despite the embarrassment and trouble it would cause myself. I just couldnt see any other real solution.  I didnt want to be someone I dislike.

The end result was better than expected, and revealing in many ways. helpful in others. And it all twisted my perceptions, and made me understand more about how i feel about many things.  I could have avoided telling one of the involved parties completely with no ill effect at all, but even that wasnt acceptable to me, for several reasons, namely avoiding it occuring again, but just because i dont like doing things that involve me even seeming to be dishonest, whether i lied about anything or not.

So ultimately, i made a fool of myself and broke some things i never thought i would break. but i dont think i would have handled it in any other way. I dont understand how some people can do it. TYhe conscious pounds on my head and stomach.


its not over yet. but im a little more accepting of myself because of how i handled it thus far.


-B

current mood: amused

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Thursday, January 15th, 2009
10:37 am - ...
I keep forgetting to listen to music while im working, and then when i put something on, it feels like i was dead before, and my minds starts functioning again.

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Monday, January 5th, 2009
1:37 pm - the rundown
New years eve. feeling kind of unsettled. stomach doesnt sit right, i decide to stay at home, probably would have if i didn't feel ill. Uneventful new years passing.  Stomach churns a littl emore at about 12:30. aside from 2 beers much earlier in the night, i am drinking water.ours.

At about 1:15 i run to the bathroom, this repeats every 30 minutes for the next 6 hours.  4 hour later, more nasuea, i run to vomit, and make it with plenty o time. The increased pressure from all the blood rushing to my face cause my nose to start pouring blood, while i am vomiting, the toilet bowl swirls vomit and blood together, the vomiting ends quickly, but by the time its done the toilet is more blood tinted. i unpinch and it has stopped bleeding, i ease my way through the next day, by friday i feel almost alright. havent eaten anything since new years eve. appetite is small, manage to eat a few things.

saturday is just as unproductive, i take a short jog, but i can feel i am weak, and dont go to far. Someone i know breaks the dam on bullshit and mentally i break and lose interest. evaluate, take good stock. nothing could have worked any other way. This was all a necessity. all of my decisions were right here. and it plants this leg firmly.
Sunday i clean. i dissasemble vacuums and polish wood and reorganize, retake and resimplify. i take a jog, do the dishes and sit down before noon. i wait and wait and wait until i sleep, and i sleep excellently. i wake up this morning with horrible heartburn, an inconsiderate burp makes me vomit again, mostly water, but having the same effect on my nose this time, but it was better, i wasn't alone.

i can still smell it. the blood and the vomit. its like seawater in the sinuses, but dense. i snort water and have some luck.
i am happy and i am alive. this was purging the bile of the last year so this one has a nice clean slate to get fucked up!

current mood: enjoying

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Monday, October 20th, 2008
9:54 am - deja vu
Most specific,
and terrifying
shockwave.

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Thursday, September 11th, 2008
10:28 am - never
underestimate
never estimate
who could really know

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Friday, August 29th, 2008
4:18 pm - Ratatataata
Kaboom!
is the sound we make.
HeartFailure.
the funny thing is this time i know and it makes the whole thing a new beast.

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Sunday, August 24th, 2008
5:56 pm - outsies
and now i realize all the things i was scared of are true. and a regret nothing.
i did not let that fear change any of my actions.
even though i knew fear was making all the decisions on the other end.
all it takes ais a little booze for people to tell you how they really feel.
and it was so disappointing. so glaringly self destructive and relationally destructive.
To never let your threads weave around anothers becaase you fear it might hurt if they rip out will guarantee that it will fail.
it cant begin until this happens. so anything prior is not real.
so you resist at every attempt. and why am i here? i know this outcome, now i know it more than ever.
and its just so disappointing.
but it has to be. Now i cant ignore it because its not speculation. I know now that you want to be in a place where were the worst to happen you would not be hurt.

but thats not fair to anyone.
self fulfilling prophecy. and i see now i have no influence.
there is no other choice. the fact that i care means only that your unwillingness to commit in some way hurts me, and makes it detrimental for me to attempt anything at salvage. but you know me all to well. and there will be attempts. but what i heard last night...
Broke
My
Spirit.
and my hope that i was just seeing and imagining things faded into nothing.

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
5:07 pm - seriously?
riously?why tell me to render, WHY TELL ME TO RENDER when you are just going to tell me to make changes (which have to be made BEFORE RENDERING) halfway through that render, i know it needs to be done, but if you hit the GO button before all is in place it doesnt mean it will be done! working as fast as possible ftw! quit giving these assholes the control, they dont deserve unlimited revisions! being nice will kill us all as they take advantage of it.

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11:18 am - escape!
Escape to.. disney!! ..?

its human nature

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Wednesday, August 13th, 2008
5:10 pm - there is no
phantom smell here. you read it just fine, and inhaled it.
Do not convince yourself of anything but what you have enough information to know.
Gnawing at the terrible bit.
crunch on that exposed never and smell through the thoughts and minds before they are pressured enough to divulge their contents.
and though you might not want what spills out to spill, it really was obvious, and it was only you not believing or wanting it to be so.
travesty.
And so they may never get what they are looking for, and thusly all is returned.
for who would want to be on the converse side.
to want that which wants only a beast changed.
Im glad this makes sense to me, and even though it leaves me in the air, at least i know why i'm here, and expecting any and all outcomes, and desiring none.

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
12:00 pm
hard boiled dormant beast
cracked from the heat and pressure
veryone is at siggraph, im kind of happy im not in the fracas.
 its lookin hard to find jobs  in the industry, i hope the best for patrick.
imglad im working : )

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Wednesday, August 6th, 2008
4:52 pm - bonified
Ringlets
the burning drop
in the eye
clears the vision of
vomitous absorbtion

inhale the muck
more now
its in there
more.

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Tuesday, August 5th, 2008
11:54 am - strangelet
parted, combed over, through and out.
individual separation of the ribs
and a general expansion of the contents into the newly opened space
repeating in every breath.
each iece creaking and cracking with every
inhale and
exhale.
and every so often a skipped beat.
a palpitation to say...
hey now.
you better run a clean ship.
fixx it all up
possible?
quite.
celebratory.
savoring each of these
as this is how they were meant to land.

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Monday, August 4th, 2008
2:40 pm - one hand Savors the other.
one hand always knows the fate, the other wonders, staring blindly.
the grass...
we know...
and looking back?

same.
but now we are...
over here,
and the grass...

we know.

The long Rope Tugged Again.

and the feet kicking the spinning world into its next rotation.
but like every one before, we know already where it could lead.
and hope for something different.
same sun cracks, same awe, same wonder, same burning of the eyes and flesh.
it mightbe different this time.
no it wont be. 
And then you you remember. its not for hoping or expecting, its for savoring and relishing, the grass is always greener, but to wish on something else than could be is to miss the bloody dripping taste of what actually is.


Savor.


current mood: pensive

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Monday, July 28th, 2008
5:58 pm - jillandifakehdrfrommunich06/7



woo

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Friday, July 25th, 2008
10:54 am
sentient aberrations!

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