i did not let that fear change any of my actions.
even though i knew fear was making all the decisions on the other end.
all it takes ais a little booze for people to tell you how they really feel.
and it was so disappointing. so glaringly self destructive and relationally destructive.
To never let your threads weave around anothers becaase you fear it might hurt if they rip out will guarantee that it will fail.
it cant begin until this happens. so anything prior is not real.
so you resist at every attempt. and why am i here? i know this outcome, now i know it more than ever.
and its just so disappointing.
but it has to be. Now i cant ignore it because its not speculation. I know now that you want to be in a place where were the worst to happen you would not be hurt.
but thats not fair to anyone.
self fulfilling prophecy. and i see now i have no influence.
there is no other choice. the fact that i care means only that your unwillingness to commit in some way hurts me, and makes it detrimental for me to attempt anything at salvage. but you know me all to well. and there will be attempts. but what i heard last night...
and my hope that i was just seeing and imagining things faded into nothing.